AITA, Am I an idiot for not accept to be best man at my niece’s wedding because she wants me to enter with my ex wife?
Summary:
A man (36M) declined his niece’s request to be the best man at her wedding after discovering she also wanted his ex-wife (34F)—who cheated on him during their ten-year marriage—to share the role and walk down the aisle with him. The divorce, which occurred four years ago, was particularly painful, as his ex justified her infidelity by blaming him for their inability to have children due to his sterility.
Despite rebuilding his life with a new girlfriend (32F) and embracing her two children as his own, the request reopened old wounds. While his niece hoped to maintain her close bond with both him and his ex-wife, he firmly refused, stating he wouldn’t attend if his ex was involved in such a role.
This led to family tension, with relatives accusing him of being too harsh and his girlfriend suggesting it might be okay for just one day. He stood by his decision, feeling it unfair to prioritize his niece’s request over his emotional well-being.
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AITA, Am I an idiot for not accept to be best man at my niece’s wedding because she wants me to enter with my ex wife?
Me (36) and my ex-wife (34) were married for ten years and have been separated (Divorced ) for 4 years because she cheated on me with one of the interns.
This betrayal was a blow to me, because we had built a whole future together, even without children, something that as I was sterile I could never provide her, something that had never been a problem for us until she made a point of throwing it in my face when I caught them in the act to justify herself.
My whole family knew about it and stood by me in the separation except my niece who was always very attached to both of us and especially to her, and said that I should forgive her,and although it hurt me to dislike I couldn’t go on with the marriage.
After the separation I was able to gradually rebuild my life and even found a new girlfriend who I will call jane (32) who has two adorable children, John (14) and Anne (6) and I love them as if they were mine.
Four months ago I received the invitation to my niece’s wedding and promptly accepted, Until she told me that she hoped that my ex-wife and I would be her best men at the wedding, I was shocked and I made a point of firmly saying that I could not accept the invitation and that if she was a bridesmaid I would not go to the wedding and much less enter together.
She got upset and broke down crying, now my family is telling me that I’m being too hard and that I should do this for the sake of my niece, my girlfriend also seems guilty and said that it would be okay for a day but I don’t think it’s fair.
Am I an idiot?
Let’s explore how Reddit reacted:
You can’t avoid your ex being at the wedding but you definitely don’t need to walk in with her. This is some weird action on your niece’s part to have “the old family” back together for a moment but it’s not appropriate.
FloppyEaredDog
NTA Regardless of the reason, you two have been broken up for 4 years. Your niece needs to accept that. She can have a close relationship with your ex, but she doesn’t have the right to impose that on you. Asking you both to attend and be civil is one thing, but to ask you to enter together, sit together, or interact in any way is too much.
Hasn’t your ex also moved on? Or does she want to get back together? Could it be her manipulating your niece into trying to get you two back together?
umenu
Nta. This is your niece using her wedding as a manipulative tool to attempt to make her delusional, immature fantasy of your reconciliation come true. You don’t have to agree. She gets to invite anyone she wants. You can celebrate her wedding and support her in another way if you don’t want to go. She doesn’t get to control your legit feelings. You get to decide whether to go or not. I don’t think you’d be doing her a favor by agreeing to this regardless, because the reality is the normal, obvious and understandable tension if this actually happened would detract from her day. Let’s be real.
Snow-13
This is really a stupid demand at this point. Your niece must know that you’ve been divorced for four years. You don’t need to see your ex for even five minutes. NTA.
bright_copperkettles
NTA.
Ask your family why they don’t care about your feelings?
Then reach out to your nieces fiancé and ask them if it is really the best idea to start their marriage off with the reminder of broken wedding vows and having an adulteress in the wedding party.
Dotty_Ford
NTA for not wanting to walk with your ex, especially given the context of your breakup.
I think you should still go to the wedding, though. Your niece might have been thoughtless about this particular situation but you should still be there for her on her day. I’m sure you can be an audience member and keep your distance from your ex.
I’m sorry you still have to see a person who brought you so much pain, though. Super shitty.
Neither-Copy785
NTA
Normally I might say suck it up for a day but your ex cheated & hurt you badly. It’s not as if you just grew apart or something like that.
now my family is telling me that I’m being too hard and that I should do this for the sake of my niece.
Nobody gets to tell you that. If you don’t feel comfortable being best man in these circumstances then you don’t have to.
whorlando_bloom
How to Set Healthy Boundaries With Family After a Difficult Breakup
Family dynamics can be challenging, especially when navigating events involving an ex-partner. It’s important to prioritize your emotional health while maintaining relationships with loved ones. Here are strategies to help you set healthy boundaries in such situations:
1. Communicate Your Limits Clearly
Being upfront about your boundaries helps prevent misunderstandings. For example, if attending an event with your ex is too painful, calmly explain your reasons to the person organizing it. Focus on your feelings rather than placing blame.
2. Balance Compromise With Self-Respect
While compromise is important in family relationships, it shouldn’t come at the cost of your emotional well-being. Evaluate whether participating in a specific request, like walking with an ex, would cause undue stress or reopen old wounds.
3. Seek Support From Trusted Allies
Share your concerns with supportive family members or friends who understand your perspective. They can offer guidance and potentially help mediate any conflicts arising from your decision.
4. Practice Self-Care Before and After Events
If you decide to attend an event where your ex will be present, prioritize your mental health. Arrive with a supportive companion, plan an exit strategy if needed, and engage in activities that help you decompress afterward.
5. Stand Firm Without Guilt
It’s natural to feel pressured by family, but standing firm on your boundaries is a sign of self-respect. Communicate your love for the family while emphasizing that your decision isn’t about rejecting them but protecting your emotional health.
Conclusion
Maintaining strong family bonds while respecting your personal boundaries can be tricky after a breakup. By being honest, compassionate, and self-aware, you can navigate these situations with grace and ensure your well-being remains a priority.
