AITA for asking my SIL to pay her share of the bill when I used a gift card to cover most of the meal?
Summary:
A woman (26F) and her partner (27F) hosted a birthday dinner for her father-in-law at a steakhouse, using a $200 gift card she received as a thank-you gift. Her sister-in-law (31F) knew about the gift card and assumed it would cover everyone’s meal. SIL invited her boyfriend (recently reconciled after a breakup) and ordered extravagantly, including surf and turf with extra lobster tail, which totaled over $150 for their share alone.
The final bill exceeded the gift card’s value by $100, which the woman paid out of pocket. She asked SIL to cover her and her boyfriend’s portion and to split the cost of FIL’s meal. SIL became upset, claiming the gift card should have covered everything, and left the dinner abruptly. The woman later apologized for any miscommunication but stood firm in feeling justified for asking SIL to pay her share.
In updates, FIL thanked her for organizing the dinner and promised to address SIL’s behavior. Eventually, SIL apologized and reimbursed $100. The woman also reflected on the situation, resolving to set clearer boundaries and expectations in the future.
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AITA for asking my SIL to pay her share of the bill when I used a gift card to cover most of the meal?
I (26F) and my partner (27F) planned a birthday dinner for her father (FIL) at a steakhouse. A while back, I received a gift and a $200 gift card to this restaurant as a thank-you from a contractor I work closely with, which I thought would be perfect for the occasion.
During Christmas, I opened the gift (with the gift card) and my SIL (31F) was there to see me holding up the gift card. She immediately suggested we use it for FIL’s birthday. I agreed, but I didn’t realize she’d interpret “we” to mean she could invite her BF (recently reconciled after a year-long breakup) and go all-out with their orders.
A few days before the dinner, SIL asked if her BF could join. I was hesitant since he hadn’t been around for a year, and the family has mixed feelings about him. My partner doesn’t like conflict and said yes, so he came.
At the dinner, things got awkward fast. SIL and her BF ordered the most expensive items on the menu. They both ordered surf and turf with extra lobster tail while the rest of us ordered modestly. Their meal alone was over $150. At the end of the meal, SIL then suggested dessert, but I declined since my partner and I already bought a cake for FIL.
The bill came to be approximately $300 after tax and tip. I used the gift card but still had to pay $100 with my credit card. I asked SIL to cover her and her BF’s share and split the cost of FIL’s meal with me, explaining that the gift card wasn’t “free money” for her and her BF to splurge. She got upset, said the gift card should cover everything, and stormed out with her BF.
Later, my partner and I drove my in-laws home and dropped them off in awkward silence. On the way back, my partner told me I was out of line, but I feel justified since SIL’s actions caused the bill to exceed the gift card’s value.
AITA?
Update 1: Thank you everyone for commenting and providing feedback in this thread! The comments here has help me see things in a different perspective and now will help me prevent such thing from happening again in the future.
I received a call from my FIL this afternoon (the dinner was last night). He called to thank me for organizing and paying for the dinner. He also mentioned that he plans to call SIL later today to talk to her, though I’m not sure how much detail he will go into. So far, I’ve apologized to SIL for any miscommunication and for asking her to split at the dinner table. However, I haven’t received a response from SIL, and my partner has been cold toward me. Honestly, I don’t expect to get paid back, this is just a lesson for me to learn.
Updates 2: This is probably my last update, and I think there’s a resolution to this problem. I got a call from SIL in the evening; she apologized and Venmoed me $100, which is better than nothing. My partner and I also had a serious discussion about their family, and I feel like there’s been some progress in improving the relationship between me and their family.
I’ve seen a lot of comments saying I have no backbone or that I’m a pushover, and that’s probably true to a certain degree. Their family dynamic is still new to me, and I didn’t want to make a bad impression in front of my FIL and MIL, so I held back. Unfortunately, I ended up snapping at the end. I’ve learned a valuable lesson to speak up for myself and not cave when things feel unfair
Let’s explore how Reddit reacted:
NTA. The gift card was a gift for you, not for your family. They saw the opportunity to get a free meal with a gift card and took it. Asking for everyone to split the cost of the bill for your FIL’s birthday is more than reasonable.
FloppyEaredDog
NtA.
Personally, I wouldn’t have mentioned the gift card as being available for dinner for this. Even if you planned to use it, because the contractor probably didn’t intend for you to use it for everyone.
I would have also told them up front that the gift card was covering 3 meals. Yours, your partner, and FIL. Everyone else would be responsible for their own meals. You could have easily then used it if you felt inclined to.
You still aren’t the asshole because the sister and bf pretty much ordered the most expensive knowing it wasn’t them paying.
umenu
NTA but your mistake was in not telling everyone upfront that you were only paying for yourself, your partner, and FIL. Of course, SIL and bf are AHs for ordering the priciest items.
Snow-13
NTA
I agreed, but I didn’t realize she’d interpret “we” to mean she could invite her BF (recently reconciled after a year-long breakup) and go all-out with their orders.
Yeah most people wouldn’t. Her ordering the most expensive items is bad enough ; the bf freeloading as well makes their A Holery pretty appalling
the gift card wasn’t “free money” for her and her BF to splurge.
Exactly right. It was your present to spend as you choose.
I’m puzzled by your partner’s reaction here. I think they should’ve backed you up. It’s a shame for the IL’s that it got awkward but that’s on SIL for being a freeloading ignoramus.
bright_copperkettles
NTA. Both your SIL and your partner sound like assholes. Why is your partner defending your SIL getting mad at you for no reason? That’s the bigger problem here.
Dotty_Ford
NTA, but I think you may need to scrutinise your partners behaviour more than anything.
What exactly did your ‘partner’ contribute to this occasion, this was ultimately for their family’s benifit after all? It would be one thing if you were simply sacrificing the entirety of your gift certificate, which is very generous in itself, but you’re contribution should have absolutely stopped there! It’s concerning that your partner let this happen to you. I would have just put the $200 voucher on the table and let the others figure out the rest.
Why did the excess costs go on your credit card and not his? Are you expecting him to pay you back or do you have joint funds?
Did your partner outlay any funds at all for FIL’s birthday or did he just piggyback off you. Did either your partner or the sister get FIL a gift?
Neither-Copy785
It was YOUR money and your gift. No one was entitled to it but you. Her even suggesting what you should do with your gift was very bold. You had 200 to spend NOT 300. She should have covered the difference. Now you know she is a mooch and to not do anything else for her. That was greedy and entitled. NTA
whorlando_bloom
How to Navigate Family Gatherings Without Financial or Emotional Stress
Family gatherings are an opportunity to create meaningful memories, but they can sometimes bring financial strain or interpersonal conflicts. Whether hosting a special event or attending as a guest, a little planning and clear communication can make these occasions enjoyable for everyone.
1. Set Clear Expectations About Costs
When planning a group outing, be upfront about how expenses will be shared. For example, if a gift card is involved, clarify whether it covers the entire bill or only a portion. Setting boundaries early prevents misunderstandings and resentment.
2. Discuss Guest Lists in Advance
Unexpected guests can complicate plans and add to expenses. Before confirming the venue or menu, agree on who will attend. If additional guests are proposed, consider how they may affect the budget and dynamic, and communicate accordingly.
3. Manage Dining Etiquette and Ordering
Encourage moderation by setting a tone of modesty when ordering at restaurants, especially when someone else is contributing financially. It’s courteous to avoid ordering extravagantly unless explicitly invited to do so.
4. Address Conflicts Calmly
If disagreements arise, approach them with empathy and a problem-solving mindset. For instance, instead of reacting in the moment, explain your perspective later in private. This can help avoid public confrontations and maintain family harmony.
5. Learn From Every Experience
Even when things don’t go as planned, each situation provides a learning opportunity. Reflect on what worked well and what could be improved for the next gathering. Open dialogue and setting firmer boundaries are key to reducing stress in the future.
Conclusion
Family gatherings are about celebrating relationships and milestones, but navigating shared expenses and expectations can be tricky. By communicating clearly, being considerate of others, and addressing challenges constructively, you can foster an environment where everyone feels valued and respected.
