AITA for not being friendly with my partners daughters now that they’ve “warmed up” to me
Summary:
A 42-year-old woman (bartender) is in a relationship with a 59-year-old widower named Tim. His two daughters (who live six hours away) have been hostile toward her during their past two Christmas visits, initially ignoring her and preventing any interaction between her and their husbands. They accused her of being a “bimbo bartender” and taking advantage of Tim’s money, unaware of his financial struggles after his late wife’s cancer treatments drained his savings.
After the third Christmas, the woman told Tim she would not visit his daughters again, especially given their behavior. Tim later informed the daughters about the woman’s generous gestures, such as leasing him a car and providing for the household, which led to the daughters wanting to reconcile, apologize, and visit. However, the woman is not interested in forming a relationship with them and refuses to give them her number, stating that they had their chance to treat her kindly and that she has no interest in becoming friends now that they’ve realized her true role in Tim’s life. Tim believes she’s being too unforgiving, but the woman feels they missed their chance and are now trying to take advantage of her generosity.
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AITA for not being friendly with my partners daughters now that they’ve “warmed up” to me
I’m (42) dating Tim (59), a widower. He’s in banking, I’m a bartender. I know what it looks like. His 2 daughters thought the same thing, but he’s broke as a joke and I’ve got a trust fund, so actually no.
He’s broke because his late wife got cancer. 3 times. He ran up 6 credit cards, 2nd mortgage on the house, cashed out his retirement, everything and anything to get her the treatment she needed and then to get treatment enough to see both daughters married.
His daughters live 6hrs drive away.
We drove to them for Xmas last year and the year before. They ignored me, dragged Tim away when he tried to include me and prevented their husbands from making even small talk with me by talking over me.
Year 1 Tim chastised them, they apologized (to him, not me) They blamed the pain of seeing their Dad with a woman who wasn’t their Mum.
Year 2, they did it again.
This year I told Tim not again.
He could go, I would never ask him not to see his daughters for Xmas but I’ll stay here.
Tim didn’t love the idea because me going with him means we can share the responsibility of driving when his back starts to bother him. (He hates to fly)
His 2010 deathtrap is starting to go anyway, so I leased him a comfy luxury ride (my brother has a dealership)
He called the girls, super excited that he’d be able to see them more often without having to worry about his back,, who then blew up and accused him of spending their Mothers money on a “bull**** house and car to impress some bimbo bartender and didn’t offer them a dime for their weddings”
In the ensuing argument it came out that they assumed there had been a life insurance policy, nor did they have any idea about the credit card debt or the 2nd mortgage that the house was underwater on or that Tim was looking at foreclosure and bankruptcy until he moved in with me.
They did not realize it was my house, that he pays no bills save the water bill (man takes excessive showers) and shared groceries.
Now the girls want my number. They are sorry I “felt lonely” at Xmas.
They want to come visit and stay with us next year! Conveniently in summer, I live near a beach.
I’ve told Tim absolutely not about giving out my number. I’m happy to be polite if they come to visit Tim but, we’re not going to be friends. If they had talked to me for even 2 seconds they’d have understood. I am not shy about admitting the only thing I have ever contributed to my blessed financial state is “not developing a crippling coke addiction” like my cousin Danny did.
Tim thinks I’m being too unforgiving. They would have warmed up to me eventually but knowing how generous I am being with their Father has made them warm up quicker.
I maintain I don’t care about now or later, they had their chance to not be catty brats over incorrect assumptions that I was taking advantage of him.
Let’s explore how Reddit reacted:
NTA
You don’t owe them a damn thing. That being said, they are his kids and you gotta consider that if you don’t extend an olive branch that means he will be pulled in the middle and eventually push will come to shove. Is that something you’re comfortable with?
FloppyEaredDog
Considering that the daughters knew nothing at all about their parents’ financial state BEFORE you arrived, it’s safe to assume that they did not regularly have conversations with their parents about planning for end of life, etc.
It’s hard to say who is the asshole without knowing if your partner ever corrected their assumptions that you were being supported by him. It COULD be concerning as an adult to see your parent making extravagant purchases for/with a partner. You say you know what the situation looks like to outsiders… so why would you not be understanding of them thinking it is what it looks like?
So my question would be:
Did your partner ever tell them that they have things backwards, and that he doesn’t support you financially at all, and in fact you support him?
umenu
They aren’t being nice because you are helping their dad. They hope to get stuff from you.
Snow-13
Info: did Tim ever correct their assumption? Im assuming that the ‘bimbo gold digger’ commentary has been floating around and he knew about it. If so, why were they never corrected ? Also how did they not know that he was flat broke especially when the mother was getting cancer treatments and after death – will, funeral, etc ? Seems like something that would have been shared …
bright_copperkettles
NTA.
These are grown women, not angry children, and you owe them nothing– certainly not the money and favors they very obviously want.
But also, I’m extremely concerned that your husband never set them straight before. This man spent TWO YEARS watching his daughters treat his wife like a golddigger and never once told them off and told them the truth? You have bigger problems than horrible stepchildren
Dotty_Ford
Putting myself in the situation as his daughters. It would be hard for me to see my dad move on especially to someone young and different than my mom after a tough death. Even as adults these type of things bring out the worst in a person.
If he’s a decent guy and he says his daughters are decent people then perhaps chalk it up to a shitty trauma response and them thinking you were using their poor sad sap dad.
Knowing that someone cared for my dad enough to help him through an emotional and financially difficult period would mean a lot to me. It’s possible they do appreciate you more now that they know you’re helping their dad rather than taking advantage.
I think it’s in your best interest to accept the olive branch but hold back a bit for your own security. You may end up gaining some bonus fun cast of characters in your life.
Or they are douchey shit bags and you can tell Tim to keep his family separate.
NTA- but also sometimes being an asshole happens because life is hard and losing your mom sucks.
Neither-Copy785
I think it’s quite telling that they’re upset their father (appeared to) spend money on a car that wasn’t 15 years old so he could visit them more often/safely, and instead wanted that money spent on themselves.
Concerned they’re warning up to the idea that they’ll get your money.
NTA
whorlando_bloom
Dealing with Toxic Family Dynamics: Setting Boundaries and Protecting Your Peace
This situation highlights a recurring challenge in blended families: the delicate balance between forgiveness and self-respect when dealing with difficult or toxic relatives. In this case, the woman, who has been in a relationship with Tim for some time, faces hostility from his daughters. Despite her kindness, the daughters made hurtful assumptions about her intentions and treated her with disregard. After realizing she’s been generous to their father and her role in his life, they now seek her approval, but she’s not ready to forgive and forget. Let’s explore why setting boundaries in such a scenario is crucial for maintaining peace and self-respect.
1. The Importance of Boundaries in Family Dynamics
Boundaries are essential for protecting one’s emotional well-being, especially when interacting with toxic or unkind individuals. The woman’s decision to distance herself from Tim’s daughters is an act of self-preservation. Despite her financial generosity and support for their father, the daughters have repeatedly treated her with hostility and disrespect. She’s now asserting that she has no obligation to accept their belated attempts at reconciliation.
Setting boundaries is not about being unforgiving; it’s about protecting oneself from further harm. The daughters had their chance to treat her with respect, and their prior actions have consequences. By refusing to give them her number and allowing them to visit, the woman is taking control of the situation and ensuring that her emotional well-being is prioritized.
2. When Forgiveness Isn’t Earned
Tim believes the woman is being too unforgiving, but forgiveness is a personal decision that should be earned, not expected. The daughters’ behavior toward her was hurtful, and it’s understandable that she doesn’t feel inclined to forgive them simply because they’ve realized they were wrong. Forgiveness should come when the other party acknowledges their mistakes, shows genuine remorse, and makes amends. In this case, the daughters’ apology was more about realizing they misjudged the situation, not about owning up to their actions or treating the woman with kindness from the start.
3. Understanding Generosity and Self-Interest
While Tim’s daughters may now want to be on better terms with the woman because they’ve realized her financial role in supporting their father, this raises an important point: generosity should never be taken for granted or used as a tool for manipulation. The woman’s financial support and the way she has helped Tim are commendable, but it’s crucial that her kindness isn’t viewed as a way to gain her approval or friendship.
Her refusal to be “friends” with Tim’s daughters isn’t about being petty; it’s about making sure her acts of generosity aren’t misused or exploited. She’s worked hard for her success and has every right to set boundaries around who she allows into her life.
4. The Role of Tim in Supporting His Partner’s Boundaries
Tim’s belief that the woman is being too unforgiving may be stemming from his desire for familial harmony. However, it’s essential for partners to support each other’s boundaries, especially when one person has been hurt by the actions of others. Tim should recognize that his partner’s feelings are valid and that her decision to keep her distance is a reflection of the pain caused by his daughters’ prior behavior. Tim can still maintain a relationship with his daughters while respecting the woman’s need for space.
5. Conclusion: Prioritizing Self-Respect Over Social Expectations
Ultimately, the woman’s decision to remain distant from Tim’s daughters is a matter of self-respect. She’s not obligated to accept their belated overtures simply because they’ve come to realize their mistake. It’s important to acknowledge that emotional healing and trust take time, and it’s up to the woman to decide whether she wants to engage with them moving forward. While Tim may wish for things to improve with his daughters, his partner’s boundaries should be respected, especially since they’ve been repeatedly disrespected in the past. Self-respect and emotional peace are more important than maintaining family harmony at the cost of personal well-being.
