AITA for not giving my sister my wife’s clothes?
Summary:
A man (age not specified) shares that his wife, a corporate lawyer and mediator, passed away from ovarian cancer after a difficult two-year battle. Throughout her illness, his sister, Sarah, was unsupportive. At the wife’s wake, Sarah began asking about the wife’s clothes, and the man brushed her off. Sarah insisted on taking a few pieces to “remember her by,” but the man refused, telling her that his wife had wanted the clothes donated to a women’s shelter that helps women in legal cases and job interviews.
Six months later, at his mother’s birthday, Sarah again brought up the clothes. When the man reiterated his wife’s wish to donate them, Sarah accused his wife of being selfish, even in death. The man angrily responded that he would rather see the clothes burned than give them to Sarah. His mother intervened, asking him to ease up on Sarah, claiming it was difficult for her to talk about the wife’s death. The man left in frustration, feeling emotionally blackmailed by both his mother and sister over the issue of his wife’s belongings.
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AITA for not giving my sister my wife’s clothes?
My wife was a corporate lawyer and mediator. She had some very nice work clothes. She was diagnosed with ovarian cancer and was gone in two years. The last six months of her life were hell.
My sister Sarah didn’t do jack s****t for us of us during that time. My wife never liked her. I do not like her. She is a selfish cow. At my wife’s wake, she started asking about my wife’s clothes, and I brushed her off. She wanted to pick out a few pieces to “remember my wife by,” and I ignored her.
It’s been six months, and I’ve attended my mom’s birthday, but I’m still not in the mood to deal with people. Then Sarah comes, asking about my wife’s clothes.
I told her my wife wanted me to donate them to this women’s shelter, and she often helped. It will help women in need with their own court cases, court appointments, and job interviews.
My sister Sarah said my wife was even selfish in death. I asked her what the f****k did she mean? And she started going off on how my wife always thought she was better than her, and it’s not far that the clothes are going to charity and not to family.
I told my sister I would rather see my wife’s clothes lit on fire than on her back. My sister started crying, and my mom came over to see what was wrong. My mom told me to be easy on my sister because she was talking about my wife’s death hard.
The fg insanity of that coming out of my mom’s mount made me grab my gift and leave. My mom acts like I had to ruin her birthday by being melodramatic, but I cannot believe their emotional blackmail towards me over fg clothes that they have no right to.
Let’s explore how Reddit reacted:
NTA. Besides the fact that you are following your wife’s wishes, your sister is acting like a vulture. And why is your mother worrying about your sister taking your wife’s death hard when you were the one who lost their wife?
So, no, you are doing nothing wrong. You are still grieving, your sister is treating you like a thrift store, and your mother is completely ignoring your grief because another family member is better at being dramatic.
FloppyEaredDog
NTA.
It’s your wife. How dare Sarah mention it at the funeral. Entirely selfish and classless and callous to your pain. And then to bring it up again and say it’s to remember your wife by!!! She doesn’t care about your wife and never did. And then to insult your deceased wife by calling her selfish…
Your mom is also a problem. Sarah is having a hard time with your wife’s death? Really? Not you, the husband?
I’m sorry but your sister and your mom suck. You should reevaluate why they’re in your life and if they deserve to be
umenu
NTA and you’re right, Sarah is 100% a selfish cow. Who would begrudge clothes being given to WOMEN IN NEED who are trying to get their lives on track. Sarah, that’s who.
And your mom tells you that Sarah is taking your wife’s death hard? Ummm, what?
With family like that, who needs enemies?
I’m sorry you’re dealing with this and hope you have people in your circle who treat you a whole lot better.
I’m sorry for your loss.
Snow-13
NTA, your sister and mother are unhinged if they think anything they said is in any way appropriate.
I’m sorry about your wife’s death and I’m sorry your family sucks. Might be time to go LC/NC.
bright_copperkettles
NTA. Your sister is being manipulative, though it’s hard to see if her behavior is driven by jealousy or pure greed. I’d be willing to bet she just wants to find any expensive pieces to sell on Poshmark or something. Sounds like your mother is suffering from some sort of Stockholm syndrome dealing with your sister. I’m sorry this is what your relationship with your family looks like.
Dotty_Ford
NTA.
WHAT? Is Mom taking some really hard drugs for that statement?, cause that was just down right fucking dumb your sister isn’t the one who was married to your belated wife. Sorry for the loss sir.
Neither-Copy785
whorlando_bloom
Setting Boundaries After Loss: How to Handle Family Conflict While Grieving
Losing a spouse is an indescribable pain, and the grieving process can be further complicated when family members push boundaries and create additional emotional stress. In this case, the man is dealing with a deeply personal loss while trying to manage his family’s expectations regarding his deceased wife’s belongings. His sister’s insensitive request for his wife’s clothes, combined with his mother’s emotional plea, highlights how grief can often lead to conflict, especially when family members fail to respect personal boundaries. Here’s how to manage difficult family dynamics while honoring the wishes of the departed and protecting your own emotional health.
1. Establishing Boundaries After Loss
Grief can make it difficult to assert boundaries, but it’s essential to set clear limits with family members who may overstep, especially regarding belongings of the deceased. In this situation, the man’s decision to donate his wife’s clothes to a women’s shelter is a personal one, honoring her values and helping others in need. Family members who attempt to take these items, particularly when they weren’t supportive during the illness, are disregarding the deceased’s wishes and the grieving person’s emotional space. Setting firm boundaries is vital in ensuring that your needs are respected during the grieving process.
2. The Complexity of Grieving Relationships
The loss of a loved one can bring out deep-seated emotions and unresolved conflicts. The man’s sister’s comments about his wife being “selfish” in death highlight how grief can make people lash out or express their own feelings of inadequacy. In this case, Sarah’s bitterness toward the wife was apparent even before her passing, making her request for the clothes seem more like a form of entitlement than a genuine act of remembrance. It’s essential to recognize that family dynamics may become more strained during grief, and sometimes, people react based on unresolved issues that have nothing to do with the deceased.
3. Honoring the Deceased’s Wishes
When a loved one passes, many struggle with the question of what to do with their belongings. In this case, the wife’s wish to donate her professional clothing to a women’s shelter reflects her values and desire to help others. By honoring these wishes, the man is ensuring that her legacy lives on in a meaningful way. It’s important to respect the intentions of the departed, as their belongings often carry more than just sentimental value—they can reflect the principles and values they held dear.
4. Managing Family Expectations
Family members, especially parents, often have their own ideas about how to handle the deceased’s belongings or how others should grieve. The mother’s plea for the man to be “easy” on his sister shows the common dynamic of emotional blackmail that can occur when people expect their grief to take precedence over others. In these situations, it’s crucial to communicate clearly and calmly that, while everyone’s grief is valid, it’s equally important to respect each other’s personal boundaries and decisions.
5. Protecting Your Own Emotional Health
After the loss of a spouse, emotional well-being becomes a top priority. The man in this story is understandably upset and frustrated by his family’s insensitive behavior. While it’s important to empathize with others’ grief, it’s equally important to protect your own emotional health by disengaging from toxic conversations and making decisions that prioritize your well-being. Walking away from an emotionally charged situation, as the man did when leaving his mother’s birthday, can be an effective way to maintain your peace and avoid unnecessary conflict.
Conclusion
Grief can complicate relationships, especially when family members push boundaries or fail to respect the wishes of the deceased. By setting clear boundaries, honoring the departed’s wishes, and protecting your emotional health, you can navigate the difficult terrain of loss with greater strength and resilience. It’s crucial to recognize that your grief and your decisions are valid, even if others may not understand or agree with them.
