AITA for spending my son’s university fund on a trip to Europe to drink b**r like I always threatened instead of giving it to his step brother after he passed away.
Summary:
A father (age not specified) explains that he had set up a university fund (RESP) for his son before he passed away in a car accident. The father always joked with his son that if he didn’t attend university, he would use the fund to go to Europe to drink b**r from a brewery in Belgium, something his son would play along with. When the son was accepted to McGill, the father celebrated with him and mourned his lost trip.
After the son’s tragic death, the ex-wife asked about the funds, as the son had a scholarship and would have used the money for living expenses. The father decided to follow through on his joke and use the money to go to Europe and drink b**r in his son’s honor. His ex-wife disapproved, suggesting the funds could be better used by her husband’s son, the stepson. The father, however, refused to change his mind, arguing that his son would have laughed at the idea of him actually doing it.
Now, the father is asking if he is wrong for using his deceased son’s university fund for this purpose, despite his ex-wife’s disapproval.
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AITA for spending my son’s university fund on a trip to Europe to drink b**r like I always threatened instead of giving it to his step brother after he passed away.
My son was smart. Smarter than me. I almost requested a paternity test because he was so damn intelligent. THAT IS A JOKE.
My ex and I divorced when he was about 12. She remarried when he was 14. I did when he was 16.
I had an RESP set up for him. That’s a education fund in Canada. As long as he went for post secondary education he could use the money for anything.
I always told him that I was okay with him not going to university. That way I could use the money I had saved up for him to go to Belgium and buy some b**r from monks that only allow you to buy one case.
He knew I was joking and he always played along. He wouldn’t let me get his goat.
When he got accepted to McGill it was the proudest moment of my life. I took him out for a b**r to celebrate his achievement and mourn the loss of my trip to Europe.
My son was struck and killed by a drunk driver in March. I’m dealing with it. My ex is dealing with it. My wife has been nothing but my rock in this. She is holding me up.
I was dealing with the funeral arrangements and everything when my ex came to talk to me about his money. She knew he had a scholarship and was just going to use the money for living expenses and an emergency fund. She asked me what I was going to do with it.
I said I was going to do what I always said I would. I was going to Europe to drink b**r. She asked if she could have it for her step son. I thought about it and said no. Her husband is a decent enough person but he made it clear that he wasn’t responsible for any expenses for my son. Beyond food and shelter and stuff obviously. Like I said he is decent.
I said I was not going to do that. I was going to go drink b**r in my son’s honour.
She says I’m wasting thousands of dollars. And I guess I am. I have to give back the government portion of the fund. But I don’t care.
My ex thinks I’m being stupid and irresponsible wasting my son’s money like this.
I don’t care.
My son would laugh his ass off if he knew I actually did it.
Let’s explore how Reddit reacted:
NTA. Sorry for your loss. I thought it was a clickbait title but this is a sad fucking post. I hope you enjoy your trip and pour out some for your homie. It sounds like you guys had a good relationship.
FloppyEaredDog
From someone who lost her 15 yr old sister to a car accident this really tore me up way more than I thought it would. She was killed a month after her 15th birthday & had just been accepted to a private high school with a full ride scholarship she had been trying for. The acceptance letter sat on her vanity in her room for years after.
You are NTA if anything far from it…. the ex wife even asking is a huge one.
Please go to Europe & celebrate his life! It’s the only thing that should be done with that money.
If you have a Venmo/cashapp etc I would love to also buy you a b**r.
I’m truly sorry for your loss.
umenu
My condolences.
Your ex can ask for the money but she shouldn’t expect you to say yes. NTA
Westvleeren gold cap is particularly worth travelling for.
Snow-13
Hey OP, you’re NTA and I’m very sorry for your loss.
I have some good news though; RESP’s can only be transferred between siblings. Assuming that your son was not adopted by your ex’s new husband that means your son was not related to your ex’s step son in a way that would permit the transfer.
bright_copperkettles
NTA. You’re not wasting your money; you are celebrating your son’s life and mourning your loss at the same time.
I’m sorry for your loss and I hope the trip is healing for you. Raise a glass to your son for all the internet strangers who are thinking of you.
Dotty_Ford
NTA and have fun going to Belgium and picking up your case of Westvleteren
Neither-Copy785
NTA but Jesus Christ, I am so sorry.
Can you tell us more about your son? Share your favorite story about him, what he wanted to do for a job, your favorite activity together.
whorlando_bloom
Grieving and Honor: How to Cope With Loss and Make Personal Decisions
Losing a child is an unimaginable pain, and everyone copes with grief differently. In this case, the father’s decision to honor his late son in his own way by using the university fund for a trip to Europe may seem unconventional, but it speaks to the complexities of grieving and honoring his memory. Here’s how to navigate sensitive decisions surrounding grief and family expectations:
1. Grief Manifested in Personal Choices
When dealing with the death of a child, emotions often manifest in unexpected ways. Some find comfort in tangible actions that remind them of the person they lost, while others may feel the urge to follow through on past promises or jokes that now hold sentimental value. For the father, going to Europe and drinking b*r in his son’s honor is a personal expression of grief, an act that resonates deeply with the relationship he had with his son.
2. The Pressure of External Expectations
In situations like these, family members may have different views on how the deceased’s memory should be honored. The ex-wife’s suggestion to use the funds for the stepson highlights how different people process loss. It’s essential to recognize that while family may have expectations, the grieving person ultimately has the right to decide how they want to heal and remember their loved one. In this case, the father is asserting his right to grieve in his own way, even if others disagree.
3. The Role of Humor in Healing
Humor can be an essential tool in coping with difficult emotions. In this father’s story, joking about using the university fund for a b*r trip was a way to bond with his son, but now it also serves as a way to honor the memory of their relationship. This humor may be unconventional, but it helps him process his grief. It’s crucial not to diminish the importance of laughter and memories in the healing process, even when they might seem inappropriate to others.
4. Balancing Financial Responsibility With Emotional Healing
Though the father’s decision to keep the money for his personal use may be seen as irresponsible from a financial standpoint, it’s vital to consider that the money was set aside for his son’s future, not for anyone else. The decision to use it for a personal journey of healing, while controversial, is an expression of honoring the son’s memory in a way that brings comfort to the father.
5. Respecting Individual Grieving Processes
Grief is a deeply personal experience, and there’s no “right” way to mourn. While others may think the father’s actions are wasteful or irresponsible, it’s essential to respect his personal grieving process. The father is choosing a path that aligns with his relationship with his son, and sometimes, the best way to honor someone’s memory is to make decisions that reflect the bond shared, no matter how unconventional.
Conclusion
Grief is a complex emotion that takes many forms. The father’s decision to use his son’s university fund to take a trip to Europe is an example of how people find unique ways to cope with loss and honor the memory of their loved ones. While others may have different expectations or opinions, respecting personal grieving choices is crucial for healing and emotional well-being.
