AITA I told my MIL that’s all on her?
Summary:
A mom is organizing her 5-year-old son’s birthday party, honoring his request for a chocolate cake and ice cream. Her MIL objected, calling the child spoiled for choosing a flavor she dislikes. When the mom stood firm, the MIL escalated the situation, demanding an apology from the child. The mom refused, reinforcing that birthdays should center on the birthday person’s preferences, not others’.
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AITA I told my MIL that’s all on her?
My 5 year old son’s birthday is coming up and he wants a chocolate cake with chocolate icing. It’s his birthday so I said yes.
My MIL can be a selfish cow sometimes and my son was telling her how’s he getting chocolate cake and chocolate ice cream. My MIL said she didn’t like that and my so. Should get something we all like.
My son said “it’s not your birthday so you don’t get a say” This would be normally disrespectful but recently said this to my son when went to his friend’s party. When my son didn’t like the cake flavor and we had the discussion about how the birthday person gets to choose their cake flavor because it’s their special day.
My MIL was shocked and I told her the same thing I told my son “when it’s your birthday you can get whatever flavor of cake you want”
My MIL called me a bh and my son a spoiled brat. So I told her “with that attitude you won’t be coming to the party”
My Husband was wtf and tried to talk me into ordering his mom a cake she would enjoy after our son and I was “rude” to her.
I said no it isn’t her day and that just teaches our son to act entitled at other peoples parties if we don’t stick to the rules and etiquette that we explain to him and it will just make him confused, entitled, and spoiled.
My husband saw the truth in that because our son was excited about his birthday cake for his birthday and now understands that not everything is about him. Other people get to enjoy their special event how they want to. In return my son gets to enjoy his special event and occasions how he wants to.
My MIL doesn’t seem to get that and wants my som to write her a “sorry note” and what he did wrong. My husband and I don’t feel like my son did anything wrong by repeating what his parents told him.
My MIL said she’s not coming to the birthday party or getting him a gift without the apology note. I told my MIL that’s all on her.
Let’s explore how Reddit reacted:
NTA.
But why is your husband not sticking up for you and your son? He’s equally guilty here for that.
FloppyEaredDog
NTA
I said no it isn’t her day and that just teaches our son to act entitled at other peoples parties if we don’t stick to the rules and etiquette that we explain to him and it will just make him confused, entitled, and spoiled.
My husband saw the truth in that because our son was excited about his birthday cake for his birthday and now understands that not everything is about him. Other people get to enjoy their special event how they want to. In return my son gets to enjoy his special event and occasions how he wants to.
My MIL doesn’t seem to get that and wants my som to write her a “sorry note” and what he did wrong. My husband and I don’t feel like my son did anything wrong by repeating what his parents told him.
My MIL said she’s not coming to the birthday party or getting him a gift without the apology note. I told my MIL that’s all on her.
MIL is acting like a 5 year old and your 5 year old is acting like a grown up!!! Kudos Mom for letting your son have the final say on HIS day!!
umenu
NTA
Your MIL’s behavior is so entitled and rude that she got called on it by a 5 year old. That should sting, but it should be a wake up call that she’s incredibly out of pocket. It’s not spoiled at all to want to have your birthday cake be in your favorite flavor, but it’s incredibly spoiled and selfish to tell someone else to change their birthday cake flavor to suit you.
There is someone acting like a spoiled brat 5 year old here, but it’s not the actual 5 year old. And hopefully, MIL sticks to her word. You’ll have a better time without her and her childish behavior in attendance when you’re trying to teach your son how to act with maturity.
Personally, I think your son acted well. His statement wasn’t rude at all. The rudeness was coming from your MIL, and he simply shut that down and stood up for himself. That’s very impressive from a 5 year old!
Snow-13
Tell your MIL your son will apologize after she writes you a “sorry note” for calling you a bitch and your son a brat. I predict that will happen exactly never.
I think you’re taking the exact right tone here. If she expects to make her grandson’s events all about her, it’s important that she understand how that is not going to work. (I feel some sympathy for your husband’s childhood.) If she expects that calling names will get what she wants, she is less mature than your 5-year-old.
NTA. Keep up the good work
bright_copperkettles
NTA.
“Our CHILD does not owe you an apology for stating the truth. His birthday is about him. What he said to you was just repeating something we recently said to him at another child’s birthday. It was not rude, and it was not out of line. You can disagree all you want, but we’re not going to force him to pretend to be sorry. This is his birthday, and he should get the cake HE wants on his one day. If you are going to hold a grudge against a small child over your hurt feelings, skip his birthday, withhold gifts, and not be in his life, then that is your choice as an adult. And it is your relationship with your grandchildren that will suffer.”
Dotty_Ford
My MIL called me a bitch and my son a spoiled brat.
NTA – For wanting to have a cake his way on his birthday?? WOW, well we all know who is acting like a 5 year old here and it’s not your son!!
Neither-Copy785
NTA.
“ My MIL said she’s not coming to the birthday party or getting him a gift without the apology note. I told my MIL that’s all on her.”
Good, because I’m pretty sure you uninvited her to begin with.
whorlando_bloom
Birthday Etiquette: Why It’s Not About the Cake (or the Guests)
Birthdays are special milestones, especially for children. They’re an opportunity to celebrate individuality, make lasting memories, and teach important lessons about respect and boundaries. But what happens when family dynamics threaten to overshadow a child’s special day?
1. The Importance of Birthday Traditions
One of the simplest joys of birthdays is choosing the cake flavor. For a child, it’s an empowering moment where their preferences are celebrated. In this case, the 5-year-old birthday boy chose chocolate cake and ice cream—something he was genuinely excited about.
By honoring her son’s wishes, the mom reinforced a valuable life lesson: birthdays are about celebrating the individual, not catering to others.
2. Setting Healthy Boundaries with Family
The MIL’s reaction crossed a line by putting her personal preferences above the child’s joy. While it’s natural for family members to have opinions, birthdays are not the time to impose them. The mom’s response—explaining that the birthday person gets to choose their cake—was not only fair but consistent with what she’s teaching her son about respecting others’ choices.
By drawing boundaries and refusing to cater to her MIL’s demands, the mom is modeling healthy behavior for her child.
3. Mixed Signals Create Confusion
The suggestion to order a second cake to appease the MIL would have sent a conflicting message to the child. It could teach him that setting boundaries is meaningless if someone complains loudly enough. Instead, the mom stuck to the principle that birthdays are about celebrating the person whose day it is, reinforcing consistency in her parenting.
4. Emotional Blackmail Isn’t Okay
The MIL’s demand for an apology note from a 5-year-old is an example of emotional manipulation. The child merely echoed what his parents taught him: birthdays are about the celebrant’s choices. Forcing him to apologize for standing up for himself could diminish his confidence and confuse him about what he did wrong (which, in this case, was nothing).
Her threat to skip the party and withhold a gift is also an unfair attempt to control the situation. By telling her MIL, “That’s all on you,” the mom is rightly refusing to engage with such tactics.
5. What This Teaches the Child
This situation offers a valuable parenting opportunity:
- Respect for Others: The boy is learning that everyone deserves to enjoy their special day their way.
- Confidence in Choices: By supporting his preference, the mom is fostering his ability to make decisions and stand by them.
- Boundaries: The child is seeing firsthand how to handle conflict respectfully but firmly.
6. How to Move Forward
While the mom’s actions were justified, maintaining family harmony may require some finesse. Here are a few suggestions:
- Direct Communication: The husband can have a private conversation with his mom to explain the reasoning behind their decision and why her reaction was inappropriate.
- Focus on the Positive: Emphasize that the child’s birthday is about celebrating his happiness, not excluding others.
- Compromise (Within Reason): Offer to include a dessert MIL enjoys at a future gathering—not as a concession but as a goodwill gesture.
Conclusion
Birthdays should be about celebrating the person whose day it is, especially when that person is a child. By prioritizing her son’s wishes and standing firm against unreasonable demands, this mom is teaching valuable lessons about respect, boundaries, and individuality.
If the MIL chooses to miss the party, that’s her decision—but the child’s special day will still be filled with love and joy.
