AITA for not telling a man that the research he was mansplaining to me was my own?
Summary:
The OP, a lawyer and researcher in a specialized field, encountered a man at a bar who started mansplaining her own published work to her. He incorrectly interpreted her research and dismissed her perspective, claiming his view was based on “professional” work (her own). Instead of immediately revealing herself as the author, she let him continue. Later, she casually informed him of her authorship, prompting an angry reaction. Friends criticized OP for “causing drama,” but OP maintains she didn’t intend to humiliate him.
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AITA for not telling a man that the research he was mansplaining to me was my own?
I don’t normally post on reddit so please forgive me if I do this wrong.
I (33f) work in a very small, technical, specific, male dominated field. I won’t give too much information on it as I think you could easily find my identity if I did, but let’s just say it’s a sub category of law.
I graduated 9 years ago (for anyone wondering, the system in my country is different than in the US so I only studied for 5 years), and am now a lawyer as well as a researcher. I published some work here and there but nothing too major, and no one outside of that field knows my work.
Yesterday I went to a bar with a couple of friends who introduced me to one of their friends who works in the same field as me. I was pretty excited to meet him because it’s rare to meet people who work in that field. He doesn’t exactly do the same thing as I do, he’s not a lawyer but a legal advisor, but we work on the same topics. So naturally we started talking about our work.
At one point we were discussing a point on which we had different opinions, so I explained mine to him and he replied by saying that my opinion was based on nothing while his was based on the work of a professional (you guessed it, me). He basically started explaining my work to me, but in a completely wrong way and missed all of my points. I asked him if he was sure that that was what the author meant and he said that he was because it was “pretty simple actually”. For another good 20 minutes he explained all of it to me in details, like I was a first year law student. I didn’t say anything because it was pretty funny to watch him say things that were completely wrong with so much confidence.
After that the topic changed and the night went on, but at the end of the night right before leaving I decided to tell him that I was actually the person that wrote the work he had quoted, and that he hadn’t really understood it. He reacted very badly and got angry, and he told me that I had manipulated him to humiliate him. He yelled at me for not saying it was my work at the beginning. I simply replied that he had embarrassed himself and left.
I woke up this morning to texts from my friends saying I was wrong for causing drama and tension and that I could’ve been nicer to their friend. I’m not sure if I’m in the wrong there. I mean yes, I could’ve told him right away, but is it that big of a deal that I didn’t? I’m not exactly sure. AITA?
Edit: I forgot to make this clear and maybe it’s a bit of a misunderstanding, but both conversations happened only between the two of us. We were the only ones talking about our work and our friends also weren’t really there when I told him that I was the author. So it’s not like I publicly humiliated him. The only thing “embarrassing” for him here is that a woman seemed smarter than him, and I think that’s what ge had an issue with.
Edit 2: I’ve seen some comments claiming that this post was fake because “that just doesn’t happen”, “i’ve seen many other stories where the same thing happens”, “that’s not realistic”. I’m not trying to justify anything because I don’t really care, but I just find it funny to see lots of comments from women sharing similar stories and then lots of comments from men saying it doesn’t happen.
Let’s explore how Reddit reacted:
NTA and kudos to you for being so calm when he mansplained your own research!
Question: Did your friends also reprimand their friend for screaming at you? I mean that wasn’t exactly friendly either…
Edit: spelling
Reddit user
NTA
This is hilarious.
Reddit user
This is as good as that man on twitter that tried to tell Margaret Atwood which religious doctrine the Handmaid’s Tale was a critique of
NTA
Reddit user
NTA
He f****d around, found out.
He’s just pissed as a small man that realised he was outclassed and potentially made some massive career errors. Being plain wrong, to start with, and then being enough of a misogynist to behave like that without realising you were the author.
You took the trash out. He probably behaves like this in the office too, so taking him down a peg probably hit too hard.
Reddit user
NTA. A decent person would just laugh and apologize admitting he really must’ve looked funny to you, and then respecfully ask to explain the points he did not get. No matter how late you revealed the truth, and even if you said that a little bit bitter – any sane, healthily confident person would apologize for misinterpreting your text. He could continue argueing, but how he reacted was not normal. You’re ok.
Reddit user
NTA
He’s the arsehole. Twice. Maybe three times.
Firstly for mansplaining. Second for kicking off. And possibly third for whining to your friend.
You merely listened politely, and gave him enough rope to hang himself. Not your fault he took it.
Reddit user
The Fine Art of Handling Mansplaining: When the Expert Is in the Room
Mansplaining—a term coined to describe the act of explaining something to someone (typically a woman) in a condescending manner, often without realizing the woman may know more about the subject—is unfortunately still a common occurrence in professional and social settings. For OP, the experience became especially ironic when the subject of the mansplaining was her own published research.
1. The Power Dynamics of Expertise and Gender
The scenario highlights an all-too-familiar dynamic faced by women in male-dominated fields. Despite OP being an expert in her field, her opinions were dismissed as “unfounded” while the man insisted his interpretation of her own work was correct.
The issue isn’t just the dismissal of expertise—it’s the assumption of superiority that comes with it. By not immediately revealing her credentials, OP subtly emphasized how quickly and confidently people (especially men) can undermine others’ expertise without adequate knowledge or context.
2. Why OP’s Approach Was Justified
Some might argue OP should have disclosed her authorship immediately to avoid any misunderstanding. However, it’s essential to recognize the value of letting someone reveal their own biases and misconceptions. OP’s silence wasn’t manipulative; it was a response to someone who confidently claimed authority over her own work without verifying their understanding.
Additionally, OP didn’t publicly embarrass the man. The conversation was private, and she only revealed her identity after he had ample opportunity to reconsider his stance. His humiliation stemmed not from her actions but from his own arrogance and inability to handle being wrong.
3. The “You Should Have Been Nicer” Narrative
The backlash from OP’s friends reflects a common societal expectation: women should prioritize others’ feelings, even at the expense of their own. This expectation often manifests in scenarios where women are told to “be nicer” or “avoid causing drama,” even when they’ve been disrespected.
OP’s choice to calmly state the truth—after enduring condescension for 20 minutes—was not dramatic or unkind. On the contrary, it was a restrained and appropriate response to a frustrating situation.
4. Lessons for Handling Mansplaining
OP’s experience offers valuable insights for navigating similar situations:
- Know Your Worth: Trust in your expertise and don’t feel obligated to prove yourself immediately. Let the conversation unfold naturally.
- Timing Matters: Choosing when to disclose your credentials can have a more significant impact than interrupting the moment you’re dismissed.
- Stay Calm: Responding with composure, as OP did, shifts the focus to the behavior of the mansplainer rather than creating unnecessary tension.
For those on the other side of the conversation, it’s a reminder to approach discussions with humility, especially when debating with someone who might have expertise you’re unaware of.
5. Conclusion
OP is unequivocally not the a-hole for her response. She maintained her composure in the face of condescension and only revealed her credentials after giving the man ample opportunity to reflect. His embarrassment and anger were a direct result of his own behavior, not OP’s actions.
In a world that often dismisses women’s voices, moments like these serve as a reminder of the importance of standing firm in your expertise—and letting others learn their lessons the hard way.
