AITA for not telling my husband’s family that I speak their language?
Summary:
A Canadian woman, fluent in German, moved to Germany with her husband and faced criticism from her in-laws, who assumed she couldn’t understand their language. After overhearing an especially cruel comment about her postpartum appearance at a family dinner, she revealed her fluency and called them out. While her reaction caused an uproar, her response was justified given the ongoing disrespect.
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AITA for not telling my husband’s family that I speak their language?
My husband Peter (29 m) and I (27 f) have been married for about three years. We have one child together and I was pregnant with our second. I’m western Canadian while he is from Germany. We lived in Canada for a long time, but because of inflation moving back to Germany seemed like a better option for us. We bought a nice house in Hannover where Peter is from.
The day after our flights to Germany we all visited Peter’s family. This was the second time I have seen them (the first was at our wedding). They greeted us and brought us inside of the house, fussing over my son. We had dinner, and soon we left the house, wanting to settle into our new home. We visited Peter’s family often for the next few months. But I had started to realize that they would sometimes speak about me in German. They would make rude comments on my hair and makeup, question my fashion choices, and overall were just very unkind to me. They also said mean things about my pregnant belly which I was already insecure about.
I ended up talking to my husband about this. I told him that I didn’t like the way that they were treating me. I said that I hated how my every choice was judged. He told me that he would talk to his family.
The next time that we went to his parents house, there were no more mean comments. For about three months it was like nothing ever happened. I gave birth to a perfect baby girl that we named Lilith. Peter’s family was very upset when they heard the name. If you didn’t know, Lilith means “ghost” or “of the night.” We didn’t pick this name because of its meaning, but because it is a name that every girl in my family has had for many years. My middle name is Lilith, along with my moms, my grandma’s, and even my great grandma’s.
For a while I didn’t visit my in-laws. I didn’t want to hear them talk about how I shouldn’t have named my daughter Lilith. But yesterday we saw them again. It was my mother-in-law’s birthday. As soon as we showed up things started to go badly. Everybody wanted to hold Lilith which made my MIL upset because people weren’t paying attention to her and made me overwhelmed. I didn’t want people holding her. I was going through a pretty bad postpartum depression and it was still pretty early to see people. I let people look at her, but declined when anyone asked to hold her.
During dinner I heard my SIL talking to my MIL in German. I heard her complaining about how she couldn’t hold my baby. My SIL even had the audacity to call me, and I quote, “a ft u**y hokey addict.” I turned to my SIL and MIL and told them off in German. I basically said that I have always known what they have said about me, but calling me names was the last straw. I also mentioned how I have known German for almost my whole life. The table instantly blew up. People were yelling at me because apparently this was all my fault. I left with Peter and we haven’t talked to them since. So AITH?
Let’s explore how Reddit reacted:
NTA – Assholes are never wrong. They remain assholes by refusing to ever take ownership of their own words or actions, so they never have to change. They can be as judgmental and insulting as they want because they’re right and anyone who challenges them must be at fault. So of course it’s your fault that they were insulting you – they couldn’t possibly have been in the wrong.
Sorry you married into a family of assholes.
FloppyEaredDog
And you’re living in Germany? Do they really think you wouldn’t learn the language of the country where you live?
They have been extremely rude to you and about you, you are definitely NTA.
I think your husband needed to grow a shiny spine as soon as they started and should have told them off instantly, so he’s a bit of an A, or at very least a total wuss.
umenu
If this is a real story, NTA (it’s hard to believe a whole family wouldn’t know their DIL spoke their language all along when their fluent son with whom they moved to their country did. They wouldn’t know DIL carried on paying bills, purchasing groceries, going to doctor’s prenatals, and generally integrating normally?)
Hearing people when they talk can’t make one an asshole. Holding your tongue for awhile hearing people blatantly insulting and hating you in your actual presence can’t make one an asshole. Eventually having enough and having other people hear you can’t make one an asshole. I hope next time you throw hands 🙂
EDIT: Wait! You guys! Maybe it is true and there’s a good reason OP was called a “hokey addict” and then the revelation of being a fluent speaker caused a whole scene! It would mean ESH! Check it out:
If OP did speak German for almost her “whole life,” married a German immigrant, met the parents, had one child, got pregnant with a second child, chose to emigrate to his nation/city where his family still lived, bought a house, settled, had the child there, now had two young children who are obviously going to be raised speaking German, still does speak German but has never, not once tried to speak to/signal to/greet/communicate with her spouse’s family in their native language, now her primary national language and that of her children …
That would mean she was by act and/or omission intentionally trying to give the impression she could not speak their language … but meanwhile sitting there eavesdropping/spying on what they were lead to believe was private communication not comprehensible to her over a whole period of time! That’s a super weird thing to do, and would make me feel violated in some undefinable way and resentful too!
They’re still shitbags, but so would she be. No wonder everyone got all angry! Lol, this is fun, what a bunch of dirtbags!
To those saying, “I tried to speak German while there but they preferred to switch to English! My German clearly isn’t good enough to be more useful than the typically proficient English spoken there!” You tried and were redirected, and few of you probably invested babies into their society. OP actively and/or passively cultivated the impression of herself as being someone who couldn’t understand what people around her were saying when she could. That’s a whole, weird, long-game of some sort non-assholes wouldn’t play.
Snow-13
An international wedding in the midst of 2021? House hunting in the hometown of your husband and you did not at least visit the parents once? You speak german and this never came up in several years? Not during the wedding, not in phonecalls, videocalls, never? Your husband talked to them and forgot to mention, that you can understand them? Sorry, but the story sounds fishy to me.
bright_copperkettles
Yeah, I don’t buy that you’ve seen these people for months and no one ever noticed you speak German especially now after living in Germany for months. You’ve just awkwardly sat around every family gathering where everyone else spoke German and pretended not to understand even though “you’ve known German practically your whole life”. That makes 0 sense, I call BS
Besides Germans will usually just say stuff to your face, no need to talk behind your back
Dotty_Ford
‘a fat ugly hokey addict‘ seems so oddly specific, I can’t even imagine any German saying that. Eine fette hässliche Hockeysüchtige doesn’t sound like anything any German could come up with even when thinking about Canadians.
Edit: YTA
Neither-Copy785
I have a very hard time believing any of this. The premise simply does not make any sense.
whorlando_bloom
Caught in Translation: Why Respect Is a Universal Language
Cultural and familial misunderstandings can lead to tension, especially when assumptions about language play a role. This story highlights how one woman faced judgment and criticism from her in-laws, who assumed she couldn’t understand their language. Let’s unpack why her reaction was both justified and necessary for setting boundaries.
1. Language Barriers and Assumptions
The in-laws made a critical mistake: they assumed that because their daughter-in-law didn’t explicitly speak German, she didn’t understand it. This assumption gave them free rein to make derogatory comments about her appearance, parenting choices, and even her baby’s name.
Language is more than words; it’s a tool for connection and respect. By using German as a shield to air their grievances, the in-laws displayed a lack of basic courtesy and respect for their son’s wife.
2. Cultural Integration and Respect
Moving to a new country is challenging, especially when adjusting to a new culture and family dynamic. Despite these challenges, the woman respected her husband’s family traditions and tried to integrate into their lives. Her choice to remain silent about her language fluency shows her patience and willingness to avoid unnecessary conflict—until it became unavoidable.
3. The Power of Boundaries
Boundaries are essential for healthy relationships. The woman’s decision to confront her in-laws in German wasn’t just about defending herself; it was a declaration that their behavior was unacceptable. For months, she endured hurtful comments without retaliation. But when the insults escalated, particularly during a vulnerable postpartum period, she had every right to stand her ground.
The timing of her reveal may have caused tension, but it was a necessary step to demand respect.
4. Postpartum Vulnerability
Postpartum depression is a deeply personal and challenging experience. During this time, new mothers are often overwhelmed, exhausted, and emotionally fragile. The in-laws’ criticism, combined with their pressure to hold the baby against her wishes, showed a lack of empathy.
Instead of offering support, they added to her stress, pushing her to a breaking point. Her decision to protect herself and her baby was not only reasonable but commendable.
5. Accountability Versus Blame
The backlash she faced after revealing her fluency demonstrates a refusal by her in-laws to take accountability for their actions. Instead of acknowledging their hurtful behavior, they deflected blame onto her. This reaction highlights a deeper issue: an unwillingness to respect her as an individual and a member of their family.
6. Moving Forward: Repairing Relationships
Rebuilding trust with her in-laws will require effort from both sides. Here are a few steps to consider:
- Open Communication: Have a calm, private conversation with her in-laws to explain how their comments made her feel.
- Set Clear Boundaries: Reaffirm what behavior is unacceptable moving forward.
- Involve Her Husband: As a bridge between his wife and family, her husband should take an active role in mediating and ensuring his family respects her.
- Seek Support: Navigating postpartum depression and family conflict simultaneously is tough. Professional support can help her process emotions and strengthen her boundaries.
Conclusion
This situation isn’t about language; it’s about respect. The woman’s decision to reveal her German fluency was a powerful way to assert herself and demand the treatment she deserves. While her in-laws may feel betrayed, their behavior necessitated a wake-up call.
Respect is the foundation of any family dynamic—whether spoken in English, German, or any other language.
