AITA for installing a lock on the bathroom door after my BIL kept barging in?
A woman (25F) installed a lock on her bathroom door after her brother-in-law (33M) repeatedly barged in while she was using it, despite her discomfort and protests. The brother-in-law, who moved in with the couple after his divorce, only invaded the bathroom when she was inside, never when her husband (30M) was. She raised the issue with her husband, who dismissed her concerns and insisted his brother apologized—but the behavior continued.
The couple previously agreed not to install locks on any doors in their home. However, after her brother-in-law walked in on her showering, claiming he urgently needed to use the bathroom, she decided enough was enough. She installed a lock, which led to her husband accusing her of violating their agreement and demanding its removal. Despite his assurance that it wouldn’t happen again, she refused to remove the lock.
In an update, she revealed her brother-in-law also used to barge into the bedroom, although she was less exposed in those instances. After another argument with her husband, where he tried to remove the lock himself, she packed a bag and left for her mother’s house. To her dismay, her brother-in-law offered to drive her, suggesting her husband “could use some space” from her, further deepening her sense of alienation.
Read the original story below for all the details!
AITA for installing a lock on the bathroom door after my BIL kept barging in?
My f25 husband’s m30, brother (BIL) m33 moved in with us after his divorce few weeks ago. The problem I have is that he started barging in to the bathroom whenever I’m using it. He never knocks or anything. Another thing is that he only does this when it’s me in the bathroom not his brother. I told my husband about what I’d noticed but he laughed it off and called me paranoid. It was embarrassing because his brother would see me exposed and it made me uncomfortable. My husband said he spoke to him and he apologized but did it again.
When my husband and I got married, we promised to not have locks or lock each other out of any room. So the bathroom didn’t have a lock. I was really considering getting a lock and I let my husband know that if his brother walks in on me in the bathroom one more time then a lock will instantly be installed. He didn’t say anything.
Well, Yesterday, BIL walked in on me showering. He knew I would be in the shower but barged in anyone claming he needed to pee. I had enough I went out and got a lock and installed it. My husband got home, saw it and blew up on me saying I voilated an agreement that I was part of” and went against his wishes being uncomfortable with locks in the house. He demanded I remove it and promised and guarenteed that his brother won’t walk in on me again but I refused.
He’s been pissed about it since then and is giving the silence treatement.
INFO I’m not close with my BIL, my husband is. I don’t even talk to him that much and I barely even sat with him at any gathering before he moved in with us.
UPATDATE: So before I provide an update on this situation. It’s worth noting that my BIL used to do this with the bedroom too but at least I’m not always exposed in the bedroom.
So My husband came home and I told him the lock will not be removed til his brother leaves and his reaction was to try and remove the lock himself and tell me to quit acting childishy. what I did was not shout or scream but pack a bag and go to my mom’s house for the next few days or so til this gets resolved somehow. On my way out I saw my BIL in the driveway smoking. He knew what the argument between me and my husband was about but instead of stepping up to fix it he offered to take me to my mom’s house saying that my husband could use some space “from me”. This made me cry the whole uber ride to my mom’s house. The reason I feel offended is because BIL tend to be hurtful when he talks about others. I did all I could to win his approval but he thinks less of me and thinks I’m childish just like my husband says.
Let’s explore how Reddit reacted:
“When my husband and I got married, we promised to not have locks or lock each other out of any room.”
That seems a tad unhealthy. Even the best relationships need boundaries and everyone deserves the option of privacy.
Let me guess, your husband suggested the no locks idea first.
NTA.
FloppyEaredDog
NTA.
the no locks thing was a agreement between you and your husband, when his brother move in it wasn’t you and your husband anymore and therefor the agreement comes to a hold.
Tell your husband the lock can be removed as soon as his brother is moving out.
umenu
NTA. But I am really concerned for your safety. That’s not normal behavior from either of them! “Violated an agreement”??? That’s ridiculous! Your husband cares about controlling you. That’s all. And your BIL is obviously up to no good and he needs to go! It’s not innocent, you’re not being paranoid. You are being gaslit by the sound of it, though! I don’t normally advocate for divorce. But maybe you should consider it. Your husband should be making YOU his number one priority! Period. Which means your comfort and safety in your own home!
You told him that you were going to put that lock in if your BIL decided on being a “peeping Tom” again! So he yelled at the wrong damn person! He should be yelling at his brother and kicking his AH self out of y’all’s house!
Edited to add, wow, I am completely blown away by how this blew up! I didn’t expect that at all! And thank you for the awards! My first time ever receiving any! I feel like I have officially arrived!! 🤗
Snow-13
NTA. Your husband should care more about your comfort than a truly ridiculous agreement.
“When my husband and I got married, we promised to not have locks or lock each other out of any room.”
Being married doesn’t mean you are no longer allowed to have privacy. You have a right to that, and I would have thought twice about anyone wanting to take that away. However, assuming you were fully in agreement on that, you agreed to have not have privacy from your husband, not everyone else.
bright_copperkettles
NTA, BIL is doing this on purpose and not respecting any boundaries. I know he heard the shower running. This is extremely creepy for him to barge in on only you. Keep the lock.
Dotty_Ford
You are NTA! This is so creepy. Why is your husband OK with your BIL REPEATEDLY seeing you na ked/exposed? If this was my situation that BIL would have been out on the street the 2nd time that happened.
This story makes my skin crawl. What is wrong with your husband?
Neither-Copy785
Your husband used the word “violated” about you putting a lock on the door but doesn’t consider his brother walking in on you in the bathroom a violation. That says a lot about him, and none of it is good. NTA
whorlando_bloom
Our Recommendation for Building Respectful and Healthy Boundaries in Relationships
How to Set Healthy Boundaries for Respectful Relationships
Relationships thrive when respect, trust, and communication are at their core. However, maintaining these qualities often requires setting and upholding boundaries—an essential step to protect your comfort and well-being. If you’ve ever felt your boundaries being ignored, like in the story above, here are some tips to establish healthier dynamics with friends, family, or housemates.
1. Communicate Your Needs Clearly
Expressing your boundaries openly and respectfully is crucial. Use “I” statements to explain how certain actions affect you. For instance, “I feel uncomfortable when my privacy isn’t respected” can help the other person understand your perspective without feeling attacked.
2. Be Consistent
Consistency is key to reinforcing boundaries. If you’ve expressed your needs but they’re still being ignored, stand firm. This sends a clear message that you value your comfort and won’t compromise it.
3. Involve Your Partner or Family
If your boundaries involve shared spaces, like a home, your partner or family members should actively support them. Encourage open conversations to reach agreements that benefit everyone in the household.
4. Don’t Be Afraid to Escalate
When repeated violations occur, it may be necessary to take additional steps. This could include installing a lock (as in the AITA story) or creating clear rules about shared spaces. Taking action to protect your privacy is never unreasonable.
5. Prioritize Self-Respect
Sometimes, even loved ones won’t respect your boundaries. In such cases, it’s important to prioritize your own comfort and safety, even if it means making difficult decisions, like stepping away from the situation.
6. Seek Support
Feeling unsupported in enforcing boundaries can be isolating. Turn to trusted friends, family, or even professional counselors to gain perspective and guidance.
Respect and privacy are fundamental in any relationship, whether with a partner, family member, or housemate. When these values are compromised, setting firm boundaries isn’t just your right—it’s a way to foster healthier, more respectful interactions.
