AITA for telling my mom she should stay with me post partum instead of going to see my SIL who is also due soon
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AITA for telling my mom she should stay with me post partum instead of going to see my SIL who is also due soon
So I come from a culture where it is common for the woman’s mother to stay with her and assist her during the end of pregnancy, the birth and the first few weeks after the baby is born until she fully recovers and is able to care for the baby unassisted. My mom has always talked about wanting to do this for me. This is my first pregnancy so while I am very nervous when I announced it I knew my mom was looking forward to helping me through this phase as I am her only daughter. My brother and SIL already have one child and she found out she was pregnant with her second and was due soon after me.
My SIL and I have a great relationship and when she had her first child she chose to have it in our home country where her parents are. She had the same support from her own mother at the time and even extra support from other relatives including my mom. Although I live in the US I went to visit her and help in any way I could because she felt that was important (I did too). Since then, she and my brother have moved to the US for career reasons (me, brother and SIL are all citizens but all of our parents live in our home country). They decided to stay in the US to have their second child. We are both due soon and unfortunately, her parents had some visa processing issues and cannot come in time for the delivery or shortly after. My mom however got approved and was planning to stay with me as we had discussed before.
My brother asked my mom the other day if she could come help my SIL out for the delivery as her parents could not make it and she is expected to deliver 1-2 weeks after me. When she told me I (under the assumption I would have already delivered by then) told her that I think it makes sense for her to fly out briefly for the delivery and the initial nights but that she should come back soon after. When my SIL heard this she was upset and said that she doesn’t have any family here and my mom was the only family she had and that she should atleast be able to stay for the same 1-2 weeks that she is expected to help me out post partum before my SIL’s due date. I countered by saying that I feel awful that her parents couldn’t make it in time and that’s why I’m fine with my mother leaving for a few days to help her out but that this is my first pregnancy and I always thought my mom would be there in the way that we have always wanted and that at the very least she has been around the block before.
Now my mom doesn’t know what to do and I think she feels guilty. She has a good relationship with both me and SIL and doesn’t want to upset anyone. I don’t know if I’m being selfish here so AITA?
Edit: just splitting the post into paragraphs for better readability. Sorry about that! Thanks for pointing that out.
Edit 2:
After reading some comments I want to clarify a few things:
- Both SIL and I have supportive partners who will be taking time off regardless. It is not about that. In my culture and many others, childbirth is something where the women in our community come together to help. After growing up and leaving your parent’s house this is really one of the few moments you can feel like you need your mom again and have that bonding moment. I’m sure we both would manage if we only had our partners but it’s not just about that for us. If worse comes to worse and we both have difficult deliveries that require that kind of support then my own MIL could be there for me then. In the scenario described above where one of us do not necessarily need my mom there more than the other I would prefer to experience this phase with my own mother. I do not have a bad relationship with my own MIL but we have a good understanding of our boundaries and I would not feel as comfortable asking for the same things or being as vulnerable as I would be with my own mother especially during a time where emotions are high and hormones are fluctuating.
- For the people saying that both I and SIL are entitled or taking advantage of my mom, I want to stress that she WANTS to do this. Not just because of culture or an expectation but because she is very passionate about pregnancy and childcare and has always told me she has been looking forward to having that moment with me when I have a baby. Back in our home country she has done this for countless and more distantly related women in our community and feels empowered by it.
- Our due dates are about 11 days apart so I said 1-2 weeks to account for some buffer time. The people a saying that either of us could deliver early or late are correct. As of now we are both having healthy pregnancies and expected to deliver close to the due date and what I told her was simply under the conditions that we do deliver 1-2 weeks within each other without major complications. If the situation changes I am open to changing my perspective.
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