AITA for telling my father “I do know about that”?
Summary:
A 28-year-old wildlife biologist (F28) shared an Easter dinner experience where her father (M60) repeatedly undermined her expertise. As a passionate professional with a master’s degree in Wildlife Conservation and years of experience, she was excited to discuss her work when her mother prompted her to share. However, her father frequently interrupted her explanations with dismissive comments like, “Hmm, I don’t know about that.”
Initially ignoring the remarks, she eventually responded playfully, pointing out her qualifications: “Well, I do, given the two degrees and all!” Her father didn’t take the comment lightly, accusing her of being disrespectful. She countered by saying it was disrespectful for him to insinuate he knew more about her field than she did.
The exchange left the dinner atmosphere tense, and while she stayed to help with dishes, her mother later called, chastising her for “aggravating” her father and “talking back.” Feeling frustrated, the woman questioned whether she was in the wrong for standing up for herself.
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AITA for telling my father “I do know about that”?
I (F28) am a wildlife biologist. I have a master’s degree in Wildlife Conservation and am hoping to go for my doctorate soon. I have worked in this field since I was 16, and am very passionate about it.
When visiting my family recently for Easter, my mom asked me to tell the family a little bit about work. I was very excited to talk about my current research! Here’s where the issue comes in, though.
My father (M60) would respond to almost everything I said with “hmm, I don’t know about that…” At first, I tried to ignore it, but it just. Didn’t. Stop. Eventually, I responded “Well, I do, given the two degrees and all!” I responded in a light, playful tone, but he did not take it well at all. He immediately accused me of being disrespectful. I responded “I’m sorry, but it’s disrespectful of you to insinuate that you know more than I do about my field.”
Dinner got pretty quiet after that. I finished the meal, helped with the dishes, and said goodbye before leaving, but on the ride home I got a phone call from my mother asking me why I felt the need to aggravate my father and why I had to “talk back.” I am a 28 year old professional, this feels insane to me. AITA?
EDIT: My goodness, wow, that’s a lot of comments. I don’t have it in me to respond to all of them with life being so busy right now, but thank you!
Let’s explore how Reddit reacted:
NTA. At first you used a playful tone so you weren’t confronting him in front of other people. He was being disrespectful to you to start with.
Is this a pattern with him?
Reddit user
NTA your dad is obviously uncomfortable with the idea of you being an authority, does he have any post grad education? Many older gen folks without education feel threatened by being perceived as ignorant so they posture as compensation.
Reddit user
A great reply might be, “Oh, no? Tell me more about why you don’t agree.” Let him talk himself into a corner or off a cliff. He’s not gonna know your field as well as you do, and he’ll make an ass of himself trying to appear that he does. There’s a famous quote that goes, “never interrupt your enemy when he’s making mistake.” Now, of course, he’s not your enemy but you get the idea.
Reddit user
Every. single. family dinner. My humungous family has an opinion on everything. The number of times they are flat out wrong about biology is stunning.
I have had every possible reaction, anger, bemusement, deafness, irritation, debating. In the end whether I take the high road or the low road, I often feel like shit. Deafness or shrugging is usually my best defense against vague “I don’t knows”.
I can explain it to you, but I can’t understand it for you. (then give a cheeky wink)
I don’t have the time or the crayons to explain this to you. (then laugh as if everyone is in on the joke)
Finally: Mark Twain: Never argue with stupid people. They will drag you down to their level and beat you with experience.
Good luck going forward.
NTA
Reddit user
NTA at all! He needs to realize he’s raised an intelligent and educated child who is capable of teaching him a thing or two, and that he doesn’t know everything. I can’t help but wonder how he’d respond if you had been his son instead of his daughter.
Reddit user
Honestly your dad sounds rude but your mom was 100% wrong with the phone call. SHE instigated a conversation about it specifically because it’s what you have studied, you weren’t”aggravating” your father, he was insulting you by undermining your knowledge on something you LITERALLY HAVE DEGREES IN. And all you did was point that out. The audacity 😒 NTA op
Reddit user
How to Handle Family Disputes Over Expertise
Family gatherings often bring together diverse opinions, perspectives, and personalities. When professional expertise enters the conversation, navigating the balance between standing up for yourself and maintaining family harmony can be tricky. Here are some tips to manage such situations:
1. Stay Calm and Composed
Even when someone challenges your expertise, remaining calm is essential. A lighthearted tone, as demonstrated in the story, can be a great way to de-escalate tension while still asserting yourself. However, not everyone will take playful remarks in stride, so gauge the atmosphere carefully.
2. Set Boundaries Respectfully
If someone repeatedly undermines your knowledge, it’s okay to set boundaries. Politely but firmly remind them of your background and qualifications. For example, saying, “This is an area I’ve dedicated years of study to,” can reinforce your credibility without sounding confrontational.
3. Redirect the Conversation
If a discussion becomes too contentious, steer it in a different direction. This could involve asking others for their input, discussing a lighter topic, or shifting focus to shared family interests.
5. Enlist an Ally
If someone consistently undermines you, consider enlisting support from another family member. For instance, a sibling or parent could step in to validate your expertise and redirect the conversation.
6. Balance Self-Advocacy with Family Dynamics
While it’s important to stand up for your expertise, preserving family relationships is also valuable. If tensions escalate, consider discussing the issue privately later rather than letting it dominate a group setting.
7. Reflect on the Interaction
After the conversation, take time to reflect. Did you respond in a way that aligned with your values? Were there opportunities to de-escalate? Use these insights to navigate future discussions more effectively.
Sharing your expertise can be fulfilling, but when faced with resistance or dismissiveness, a balanced approach is key. By setting boundaries respectfully and focusing on constructive communication, you can assert your knowledge while maintaining family harmony.
