AITA for telling my mom she’s was an unwanted guest?
Summary:
A husband found himself in an awkward situation after his mother invited herself to his and his wife’s relaxing vacation at her grandparents’ cabin. The vacation was meant to help his wife de-stress from a hectic time at work, with no plans for hosting or entertaining guests.
Originally, the husband’s father planned to stop by for a day of fishing, but his mother unexpectedly joined. She brought groceries and attempted to engage his wife in cooking, but his wife declined, explaining she was focused on relaxing. The mother ended up preparing meals herself and later complained about the lack of help.
When the husband and his father returned from fishing, the mother criticized the wife at dinner for not being more accommodating. The wife quietly took her plate and retreated to her room. The husband then told his mother she wasn’t technically invited and reminded her that his wife wasn’t obligated to entertain her. He suggested she avoid imposing herself in the future.
This led to the parents leaving after dinner, with the mother expressing disappointment in the wife’s behavior, to which the husband replied that she was an “unwanted guest.”
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AITA for telling my mom she’s was an unwanted guest?
My wife has had a stressful time at work and was looking forward to a vacation at her grandparents cabin. She brought a few books she wanted to read and I brought my fishing rod.
She had no plans to entertain. My dad stopped by to go fishing. It was supposed to be just my dad stopping by for the day but somehow my mom inserted herself and I was shocked to see her.
My wife had no plans to entertain her. I told my mom that. My mom bought stuff for lunch and dinner and tried to engage my wife into making dinner for us all and my wife said no. She’s relaxing and reading. If my mom wanted to cook that’s my mom’s prerogative.
My dad and I get back late and at the table my mom started to complain how she did this all herself. I looked at my wife who just took her plate and ate in her room. My mom started to complain to me about it and I told my mom “she technically wasn’t invited and my wife had no expectations to entertain her in my wife’s cabin while my wife is on vacation”
My mom started saying well she wouldn’t have came if she knew that. I told my mom next time take the hint. If you aren’t invited don’t come.
My parents left after dinner. My mom complained that my wife should have tried to be a gracious hostess and I said maybe my mom should try not being an unwanted guest.
Let’s explore how Reddit reacted:
Congrats to your wife for actually prioritizing her wants and not succumbing to the pressure to entertain and host.
Reddit user
Maaate. YTA. Your first paragraph tells you, YTA. Your wife has had a stressful time at work. The trip to the cabin is an escape for her – no finger lifting, no hosting. So what do you do? You invite your dad. Knowing from past experience your mom will likely jump in because as you say, she does this All The Time. And then you leave the two of them to it because you and your dad r “gone fishin'”. Bet you two had a great time. And then you come back to find your wife has been made to feel uncomfortable and restricted in her own family’s place. Again, knowing that your mom invites herself and behaves this way “all the time”. Drama ensues. How restful for your wife. You blame your mom for all this, get a few digs in. Dude wipe the dirt and denial off that mirror, that’s You staring back at yourself. You’re to blame.
Reddit user
INFO: So you invited your dad, but not your mum? How did that conversation go down? Could your dad have reasonably gotten the impression they were both invited? Was your dad invited for dinner?
Edit: NTA, but in future it’s on you to maintain boundaries with your mother.
Reddit user
ESH. Once your mom showed up, you needed to make it clear to her that your wife wasn’t there to entertain her. By leaving your wife to deal with your mom you added to the awkwardness of the situation. Your mom is a bigger as***sh***ole for just showing up uninvited because your dad was there. But irrespective of that, you should have done more to preserve your wife’s peace before leaving with your dad.
EDIT TO CLARIFY: I’m only judging OP and his mom. I don’t think wife or dad did anything to contribute to the judgement.
Reddit user
ESH except your wife. You invited your dad, he brought your mom, and you left your wife to deal with her. You should have brought your mom fishing or sent both parents home.
Reddit user
YTA I have a different take. You should have spoken to both of your parents and explained that this was just a fishing day and if your mom wanted to fish she was welcome to join you and your dad but that your wife was relaxing at the cabin so wouldn’t be entertaining her so it was best for your mom to either stay home or go fishing. When she showed up uninvited you should have encouraged her to fish with you and then had a private conversation with your dad about how you were disappointed that he allowed this and that you would have to rethink future invitations.
Also, you shouldn’t have stayed out late fishing when you knew your mom was at the cabin. You should have cut the fishing time short instead of leaving your wife with your mom all day. YTA for making sure that your day wasn’t ruined, only your wife’s.
Reddit user
ESH except your wife. The second your mother showed up you should’ve told them both that this wasn’t part of the plan and should’ve asked them to leave. Instead, you left your wife with your mother and spent the entire day gone. You eventually did the right thing but it should’ve happened way sooner. You know your mother has a history of doing this and neither you nor your dad did anything to stop it. If I had to guess, your dad is probably a “you know how she is” enabler and no one likes to rock the boat with her. Good on your wife that she sticks to her boundaries.
Reddit user
NTA, next time don’t ask your dad to come either.
Reddit user
ESH. Honestly if I were your wife I would have been FURIOUS that you went off fishing with Dad and left me alone with your unwanted mother. One of the biggest issues I have is a lack of alone time in my day to day life; if I’d been looking forward to an entire day alone in a cabin and then my partner’s mom showed up, I would be so upset for him to leave me with her and continue with his plans. Especially given her character as described.
OP, you told your mom that wife wasn’t there to entertain her, but from all of your comments, you seem to be fully aware that your mother doesn’t recognize boundaries and doesn’t take no for an answer. Therefore I must conclude that you knew she wouldn’t just accept your statement and would spend the day badgering your wife. You should have either taken mom fishing with you or sent them both home. Your wife shouldn’t have had to lock herself in the bedroom all day and ruin her alone time so that you could fish with your dad and avoid your bully mom.
Your wife did an excellent job handling an annoying imposition. Next time don’t put your wife in that position, take care of it yourself.
Reddit user
How to Respect Boundaries and Foster Healthy Family Relationships
Family dynamics can often be challenging, especially when it comes to navigating boundaries. To maintain healthy and respectful relationships with loved ones, it’s essential to establish clear communication and mutual understanding. Here are some practical tips:
1. Communicate Expectations Clearly
Before family gatherings or visits, make sure everyone is on the same page about plans, roles, and boundaries. Whether you’re hosting or visiting, discuss expectations ahead of time to avoid misunderstandings. For example, if someone needs time to relax and recharge, ensure this is communicated to avoid unintended pressure.
2. Respect the Space of Others
When visiting someone’s home, it’s important to honor their rules and routines. Avoid imposing responsibilities or expectations on the hosts, especially if they didn’t invite you. Always check in to ensure your presence is welcome and that your visit aligns with their comfort and schedule.
3. Recognize the Importance of Relaxation
Everyone needs downtime, especially after stressful periods. Respecting someone’s need to unwind without interruptions can strengthen relationships and foster goodwill. If a family member prioritizes rest during a visit, support their choice and find independent activities to enjoy.
4. Be Self-Sufficient When Visiting
If you choose to visit family or friends, especially without a formal invitation, come prepared to take care of your own needs. This can include bringing food, managing your schedule, and handling your activities independently, so your presence doesn’t become a burden.
5. Discuss Issues Privately
If conflicts arise during a family gathering, address them privately rather than in front of others. This can prevent unnecessary tension and ensure discussions remain respectful. Seek to understand the other person’s perspective and find a compromise that works for everyone.
6. Apologize and Move Forward
If you realize you’ve overstepped boundaries, acknowledge your mistake and apologize sincerely. Taking responsibility can go a long way in mending relationships and preventing similar issues in the future.
By respecting boundaries and maintaining open communication, families can enjoy closer and more harmonious relationships, even during stressful or challenging situations.
